down again the curtain falls, and i am begining to wonder, if the answer is simply too high for me to seek. i dont feel right this way. almost broken. there's an empty space, and i dont like it. it seems lately all i am gathering are empty spaces. i thought the worst was over when Rachel dropped that 'oh im sorry, but i dont want to be friends' bomb... again around CHristmas.. what is it with her and that holiday? but anyway...
no.. there's another hole ripped inside, and i don't know if i'm strong enough to keep the tears at bay. they have fallen and they have threatened. Some have fallen, and sometimes.. sometimes they burn and hurt so much i wish i could.. it's not easy to cry, and once it starts, its not easy to stop. over and over i go over what was said, what was done... could it have been different? Yes. it could have.. would i have? that's the hard part, the part that makes my chest tighten, makes my breath catch on a sob that never reaches completion.
no.. there is the great chance that it would have happened the same way.. perhaps a word or two different, but i answred the truth.. and now.. now i have to wonder if its over now.... Goddess take me three ways for a fool, but i wouldnt' have done it differently.. the only thing i could have changed would have been not to say it all... and that in of itself would have been a lie..
am i strong enough to deal with all this without breaking? the way things are going, the way the holes keep appearing, i dont know... i truly don't know.
the feelings are there, they aren't buried under the sadness. they are seperate yet intertwined. Goddess Above and Below, i've lost too many, i really don't wish to add another to the list. Maybe it's safer not to say, not to speak.. safer to go back to being there, but not, safer not to indulge, safer not to feel, safer just not to.....
- Mood:broken
It's like a sickness, the constant need, the constant struggle for approval, acceptance, knowing that deep down, the sum of the parts is widely misunderstood, never wholly accepted, never taken as it is. Bits are ignored, scoffed, stared at, "fixed" when it wasn't broken to begin with. Everyone has that part of themselves that noone understands, not even them themselves. Once you think it's figured out, out of left field comes something that can be so terribly ordinary, but it turns your world on it's ear, and you are left standing, heart in your throat, limbs shaking, lungs burning as you turn to breathe, looking for the semi that ran you down.
Fine is a relative term, and if you do not want the situation in more detail then don't bloody well ask. If you don't want to know, do not ask, just for forms sake. People will tell you that hearing voices is a bad sign. Schizophrenia they are quick to say. What if its your own voice that you are hearing? When you think of one thing, and something else leaps into your brain. You can hear yourself say it, even if you don't voice it. It may be totally unrelated and yet there it is. What do they call that? Is that insanity?
Silence can be golden, or it can be deadly. If an answered question causes that abrupt silence, it makes one wonder if the answer was truly sought, if it was simply asked for forms sake, or just what they were expecting as a reply. Offline out of mind. Seems to be a growing trend. Empty words, empty screens, makes you wonder if there's laughter behind it. Makes you wonder just what is going on behind it all. Suffocating thoughts, dreams and wishes.
Do you need to apologize for your thoughts? For them not following a linear motion? Why should you apologize for being what you are, because your thoughts don't run from A to B but rather A to H to S to B? Why should i fucken feel bad because my logic doesn't meet with your approval? Because my existence is relative to what i do, what i am, who i lay my hands on, how the energy is spent? Why should i apologize for the way i view things, see things, -feel- things? i see things people don't in ways that people don't. Yet for this outlook this randomly way of thinking for seeing for -BEING- i get looked at askance, chastised for people worrying, for not being normal.. from one person who i thought would understand....
Fuck.That.
i am not now,nor will i ever BE normal. i sincerely doubt that i ever was so. So no, i wont apologize for the minefield that is my mind, my abnormal thought process, or how i cope with the over abundance of unused energy. Thinking and doing are two very different things. Do not think to start to preach to me about the intent and the deed being the same thing. Does the intent of me wanting to slap you silly, mean i am going to do it? No. i am an adult, and am fully capable of thinking about doing something, and not acting on it. i manage not to molest one of my best friends when we go out, despite the fact that i want to, despite the fact that she's fucken hot as hell, despite the fact that she makes me feel good. And believe me that singular temptation is extremely hard to resist at times. But i do.
So don't go on about its all the intent. Fuck that. It all squirells back to the voices. What qualifies as schizophrenia? Your own voice, or someone elses? For that matter, is it a gift or a curse? Hearing a voice in general? Who's to say? Harmful is as harmful does, and the more we push those who are different, why are we surprised when things go wrong? So i'd like to get away, to curl up and sleep for a while. So i contemplate the velocity of vehicles on curvy rain slicked roads. So i debate how much pressure is too much. So the fuck what. You see one thing, i see another. Some of you see this vision of beauty... and all i have to wonder is what the hell kind of drugs you are on..and where can i get some? Everything is relative. i won't apologize for what i am, don't try to make me. Don't try to fit me into some narrow box, i'm claustrophobic. Don't push me into a corner, my claws are sharp. If you wish to brave the snarls and claws, expect to wind up bleeding...
but by the Goddess...
do not let go..
i am sorry, if being how i am hurts you. i am sorry if what i said made you hurt, that was not my intention..
but i am what i am...
and i still love you
- Mood:
apathetic
so much has happened, to the point where i'm not sure where to begin.. needless to say.. my biggest fear was realized...and i had to let Her go... Who you say? Rachel of course... i love her dearly.. i do... i miss her something terrible.. but it will only grow worse, with the situations we are both in...
but... its a good thing... while i love her... for a while..it wasn't what i needed, even she admitted that... it hurts when love isn't enough...but its the sad truth of this world...
ok.. i have to go kill children now....
On the front door, plain as day was "Sorry, No Debit/Credit" and under that the no gas thing...the pumps had yellow caution tape wrapped around them... i must of had at least 4 people come in last night, wanting to buy gas, and handing me their card... now.. even if you somehow missed the sign... you parked next to a pump with caution tape... so yeah.. that always confuses/puzzles/annoys me.
We had a customer this morning, and she's usually very cranky..she comes in the same time..everyday.. and at that same time...everyday... we are doing a shift change, give or take five minutes or so.... now i'm not sure how long the closing procedures are going to be now with the new system (things were crazy last night with the install, i did a day close -before- it was upgraded ) but on the old one, it was usually a 10-20 minute wait to do gas or take cards, because we had to wait for a report to print.. Circle K's part at killing the enviroment one report at a time.. anyway... she always wants a reciept for her gas (although why, when she always ALWAYS gets 6 dollars of gas.. which with gas nearly being 4 dollars i dont know where she's going) and we hadn't -quite- figured out how to do that yet.. i can get them real easy.. IF it's already been pumped outside.. but we couldn't figure out the prepay reciept. The How-To instructions, were not so good...
this is why i hate customer service...
so she gets lippy.. "I'm going to be late for work again, my boss is going to ream me out. I'm late for work everytime I comein here, a new system or not" blah blah...
if you don't like the service... don't come! We arent the only gas station open 24 hours.. and maybe if you put more than 6 dollars in your car everyday.. you could go someplace further, where maybe they will do things a lil different... somedays its very hard to smile and be nice to people when all you want to do is throw them out the store....
i think the three of us just wanted to throw her out the store on her narrow cranky ass
- Mood:
annoyed
i don't much care.
do it yourself next time and don't bother me
if you don't want my opinion..don't bloody ask for it..
if you don't like freedom of speech... don't live in the USA
if you, for some random reason seem to think that next time i'll give a shit..
take a number.. i might get back to you.
i still find the childish actions of adults astounding. i deal with it everyday, and yet, sometimes it astounds me. You think you've seen it all, and then something happens and you stop, and think, "why am i not surprised?" or "why didn't i think of that?" oh.. right...because you are above most petty actions...
take my job for one example... only in an assbackwards place like target could men like the ones i have running the shift, be in charge. Not only do they have the mentality in some aspects, of teenagers, but they are highly inappropriate in what they joke about, and what they say. Trying too hard to be friends most like, and when they aren't taken seriously, it usually involves a "huddle" which is us standing or sitting listening to them gripe about something....or one of my personal favorites the "we need to get out of this section people" while they stand there and run their mouths..
that's just one example... then there's the petty childishness that one would think would be over in highschool. it's not enough to trash someone, degrading their character, and further showing, that they were right, and something was off this whole time, but to do something that just smacks of highschool drama, something so blatently obvious meant to cause some sort of reaction.... i can't even begin to describe the range of emotion that came with it..
shock? Yes.. there was a small bit of shock..but at myself, or the action itself, i am still uncertain..loss? yes... but it was dulled, for that feeling had been there for some time, and never lessened overtime...hurt? Not at the actions but at words that were said....pain? yes... oh yes there's pain.
how can someone, be so self absorbed not to notice small things that merely added up to a greater picture? small discomforts that were endured, out of friendship, lies that were told...and silences that were held, to keep the peace. being a cover, a friend, only to find out, that it didnt matter in the end.... that really, all along, that small nagging feeling was right, the feeling you ignored as you "being you"....was right.
everything does happen for a reason...you meet people to meet other people, meet people to find -just- that right thing for you...be it a job, a car, an apartment, a house, a pet, a lover, a wife, a husband... something... there are no random acts of chance in this world....but lately i've found it hard to imagine why the Sisters Three would throw such a large wrench into things.
i heard that alot, almost weekly, monthly for over a year "everything happens for a reason, you meet people for a reason. You met Her for a reason, so we could find you".... and yet.. the main person who said all this.. didn't seem to mean it...
i guess... what can really be said but... numb... right now...that's what i feel... numb.... i shouldn't be surprised...but i am.
will i miss them? Yes...but i'd be hesitant to fall back into it... but you know what? i forgive them... i just wonder....if they can forgive themselves...
Karma isn't kind... and i hate to think of the lesson they will learn.
- Mood:
blank - Music:Lili Haydn- Light blue sun
So.. here you are.... doing something for you, looking out for yourself for once, doing something -you- want to do..and everyone else be damned. And you do get support, aye you get some support, and then you get the shit. It’s inevitable really, someone is bound to give you shit no matter what you do in life, and in most cases, for me at least, i’ve come to expect it from certain people...
however that doesn’t make me feel all chipper about it.
Support, from some people, should more or less be unconditional.. i say more or less, simply because if you are doing something to hurt -them-, well then i reckon you won’t be getting support would you? and if you expect it then, well you are a fool. But something for yourself? Yes... one would expect support, even if they didn’t understand it...understand the why’s...
if you can’t find it in yourself to BE supportive..well then just keep your mouth shut.. don’t call, don’t email, don’t txt, and don’t show your face until you can at least fake it. Some things are stressful enough without having to deal with random acts of petty bullshit....
is support too much to ask people? i mean seriously... unless someone tells you they are planning mass murder, destruction and mayhem.. i think it’s easy to say... ok.. and then do whatever, say whatever, to yourself, without throwing it all out there helterskelter..
cause you know what?
Karma..
she isn’t always kind.
- Mood: annoyed
a life changing moment happens, and your friends are there for you...the support you, they hold you up... they go round and round with you on the evils of relationships, or a job, a boss, whathave you. The hold your hand when you need, it smack up upside the head when you need it, and otherwise are there for you when you need it, and in return you do the same.
Sometimes you go beyond, at least, what you personally thing is beyond, and that's ok... sometimes one must go outside your box, your norm, to do what you feel is right, what you feel will help best in that situation. Well what happens when you come back into the box, and things have changed?
Your life is changed again, and you go from being totally miserable, to being happy.. to being ontop of the world....and suddenly it seems like, dispite being on top of the world, you are more or less alone. Somehow, somewhere, something got lost. Either you missed the call because one wasn't given....or you missed it because you were so high it flew beneath you.. you try to repair it..try to figure out what the hell happened... you spend month after month trying to fix it...before growing frustrated...and stopping, because it seems the more you put out your hand, the more you try to pull it back... it just goes further away...all because suddenly, your world focus has changed...
Change is inevitable, and it's bound to happen. You find yourself wondering the "what ifs" playing that game, trying to figure out exactly what went wrong and where.... but you don't know.. because it wasn't anything you did... at least not that anyone seems willing to tell you. Resigned to the fact, more or less normal operations continue, for you, but still, there's that nagging sense that there's something more happening.. and yet.. noone will tell you about it.. no matter how many times you call, you text, there's always something missing.. and that's that return contact. You hold yourself out there, doing your best to stay in contact, only to find yourself adrift...
Before all this, during all this, a decision is made...yet another life changing decision, which is in the process of being discussed, being molded, being, in general fine tuned...the nagging feeling of being unwanted, is there, it's blatently obvious, even if just to you, and being you.. you don't speak of it.... you can't, and never have been able to.. and it's known.. it's widely known how you are, how you act, how you feel... or at least, those who claimed to know you so well, would know... but again...communications have been lax.....
you take that chance... you begin to do things for yourself... and it turns out.. guess what? you are being childish, for doing something for yourself.. and not giving a rats ass DAMN what everyone else thinks...
for the first time in your life, you do something for yourself FIRST, and everyone else can fuckall... those who know you who have told you for YEARS to think of yourself first.. to make yourself happy...seem to be the first ones to condemm you for doing what you want.....
it's funny... i thought highschool was over.. and for some, longer than myself... i guess for some people its easy to fall back into that rash of petty mentalities... i won't lie and say i'm above it all.. because that is what it would be.. alie.. but i've never spoken so harshly about someone behind their back, and then smile to their face..did i help? Yes.. by not saying a word to either the person doing the speaking...or the person being spoken of..because i don't stir up drama...
it's funny... those i trusted with my life... those whom i'd have done..and HAVE Done...anything for....in the end...
none of it mattered.
- Mood:
depressed
randomly out of nowhere, you get this idea.... whether it was imparted to you, or it just hits you, it's there...and it's so totally far out, so totally insane, so totally out of your normal realm of ideas and actions you think, wait.. no this can't be right. How CAN this be right? it's totally illogical (even for those that are illogical by nature there -are- situtations in which things are illogical...) and therefore, unattanable.. something you can't even wrap your mind around...
and yet... it feels -right-. There is no explaining it, you can't, it defy's words, transcends any and all possible translation. In fact the more you try to think about putting it into words, the more you begin to doubt it..dispite the good feeling, dispite everything within you saying "yes...yes this is what you need to do!" you poke..you prod... you doubt
you can hear the questions, and you feel them pull you down... some haven't been voiced yet, but you know they will... there is so little to do and so much time!...strike that...reverse it... (ok ... so sue me.. i like Willy Wonka)...
anyway...there is so much to do, to plan, to plot, to make ready..and no matter how much time you THINK you have.. you have, so very little...
so, the question remains... the only one that holds any importance...
do you do it? Do you follow the rightness, do you follow what makes sense to YOU and damn everyone else? or do you step back, and merely live?
- Mood:
contemplative
long story short.. i was dumped, before Christmas. Was told that i needed to be out of the house by Christmas. Happy Holidays right? *sighs* we are going to attempt the friends thing, once there's space.. space i don't want, space i never wanted. Does it make me weak to want things back? Would i sacrifice everything to put things the way the were? Maybe.. but being as i am still not fully certain as to where things went wrong, that might not be the best thing in the world do to right now.so i am living back home agian... joy
The Coven has been wonderful in their support, and letting me be when i just need space. *laughs softly* and understanding when i simply go off for some any old reason..
*shrugs* for now that's gonna be it.. why? i don't feel like writing anymore..
- Mood: depressed
- Music:*the sounds of Neon Genisis on cartoon network*
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